bogeyandruby

I am hosting Christmas dinner this year. There will be a total of eight people around a table equipped for three.

How does someone who doesn’t cook and who suffers from social anxiety cope with this ?

Apart from finding a local caterer to supply the turkey dinner and trimmings, she doesn’t.

Instead, she self-medicates by ordering a mish-mash of functional dinner accoutrements from Etsy.

Happily, even though I ordered all these items separately from different sellers, they have all arrived today, in good-mannerly fashion, a symphonic coming together of accessories. I feel like a giddy foodie in front of a cheese platter.

The gravy boat arrived first. It is vintage Pyrex and it is a-dor-able. I won’t be making the gravy but I can certainly imagine the oohs and ahhs as I pass this cutie around.

Next to arrive was the ceramic, hand-made butter dish. The only thing better would be if I churned my own butter. I can team that with the nice vintage butter knife I took from my childhood home just before it was sold.

Lastly, my hand-made, block-print Moroccan table cloth arrived and it’s a beauty. Doesn’t it go nicely with the gravy boat?

Mission accomplished, I am suitably distracted. I proudly display my wares to my husband.

Then, a creeping doubt enters my head, a precursor to the inevitable, imaginary catastrophe. I say it out loud: « Does cranberry stain? » My husband shrugs, « I dunno. Does gravy? »

I google the cranberry stain hack first. The instructions are a page long. Egad, it will take longer to remove the cranberry juice from my lovely Moroccan table cloth than it would take to make the entire Christmas dinner.

I look up how to remove gravy next. Gravy has its own category but is also under the category of grease stains. Doesn’t matter how it’s classified, in my head I read: category five hurricane—abort!

« Since grease and oil stains are not water soluble, simply washing is not going to remove butter, gravy, and oil stains. Apply either a dry powder (baking soda, cornstarch, or flour) or spray WD-40 to the soiled area and allow to sit for an hour. This allows for the grease or oil to be absorbed. Next, brush off the powder and soak the stained area in a bowl with hot water and dish liquid for an hour before rinsing. Allow the affected area to dry out and then inspect to see if the stain has come out. If not, repeat the process. »

(For a complete list of how-tos for tablecloth stains, click here.)

I’m starting to reconfigure the place settings in my head. Maybe a nice vinyl table cloth would work just as well. I can still use the gravy boat and the butter dish but I would save my new table cloth for a low-fat, neutral-coloured dinner party. Catastrophe averted. Phew!